Today is 8/24/2017

well yesterday was my year anniversary at Jetfresh you can get to it by it really does have some incredible food. its was of the nicest places I have ever worked – reminds me of the old days at PMCO (1990-1993) – except back then I was the youngest – now I am the oldest. Its weird to be older than your managers…and see their hopeful gazes at how far they’ve come and I really hope it works out for them particularly D.A. (using maiden initials- when I wanted to quit (on the first day because all I had known since 1988 was cytotechnology) she ran after me in the parking lot and I will never forget that.

I am filled with such emotions all the time and quest dealt with it- Temple did not – this place seems to understand that my inner turmoil is just never ending and at times, self defeating.

Read some books – The Final Girls by Riley Seger (pray that’s spelled right). I thought it was excellent – brought me right back to the 80s horror slasher flicks and any complaints I have read make little sense – oh she does something stupid – well that’s what every one did in ever 80s horror flick ever – before the snarky elements of scream were brought into play – that’s all we had was hard core believe in the mothers day, the last house on the left, the Friday the 13ths, the graduation days, the every movie that ever existed between about 78 to 85 was when they started fading out in regards to a certain amount of originality.

ok now I read My Best Friend’s Exorcism (it really is cool)  which was by Grady Hendrix and was great – fun – I think it’s on par with Ready Player One – yet RPO is about video games where this was about an exorcism.

It was fun – may have dragged here and there but I say full 4 stars- maybe even 4,5- it was excellent and I did by horrorstor which just by the cover and the layout I can see why it one best book of the year 2014 by NPR,

I am currently reading the Australian authored-“Did “See what I have done” by Sarah Schmidt – so far I am only 20 percent in but I am liking it – twisted- looking into the minds of the main players- the sister Emma, Lizzy. Bridget the maid which I find fascinating and then this strange observer whom I haven’t gotten to yet but I will…

I bought a few Sam Edelman purses in different colors then found a blue velvet Michael Kors bag that I really want for 192,00 on ebay I am so pissed I wouldn’t have bought the other color had I saw that first. Shopped at lulus – the ever present aldo and I am going to NYC in the next month with my friend Renee and were gonna have a blast!

I’m trying to keep up with my City blog but its hard- I read a lot and I am a lover of writing novels- I have to get back into it- like the VC Andrews novels- do you know that it is as popular today as when she was alive ? I think the ghost writer is that same guy but it must follow some kind of formula and people eat it up- hell when I was younger (1983) I remember devouring “If there be thorns” in my backyard in my pool.

I love books they’ve shaped my world and I would always dream that one day I would write a Forever or a Flowers in the attic – a Rebbeca or even a Haunting on Hill House- maybe I could still do it – I am not 50 yet and as a writer I can get old, unlike every other art (except painting etc) – anyway – love and kisses and I will do another clown youtube it seems to be the most popular,,,


etsy, final girls, ruth ware

this is going to be brief as I am so behind in my reading. I have this new book “My best friend’s excorcism” and I want to get to that first I am reading “The Lying Game” by Ruth Ware who is being called the modern day Agatha Christie. Not sure how I feel about that yet but anyway, “The Final Girls” by Riley Sager (a pseudonym I wonder who it really is – someone famous- someone just didn’t want their name out there) anyway I give it an A+ regardless, The Final Girls is a roller coaster ride of fun – is it a little predictable yes – but isn’t Friday the 13thsssssss and all that came after them??? besides the very first one where it was Mrs. Vorhees- we all knew it was Jason behind the hockey mask. and yet I could watch any of them over and over again. It was fun, pure fun, and I actually await more from “Riley Sager”

Next is Etsy- which is an artsy ebay. So far render me unimpressed. I go on ebay I see what I am getting and 9 times out of 10 I get exactly what I paid for in a timely manner. With etsy it’s all “Artsy” it’s all “Oh sorry I am making this and working full time and have 20 orders in front of yours…” soo…why do it if it takes a month to get a mason jar? I bought about 4 pair of earring from etsy 2 of which were ok- the other 2 were horrendous, plastic junk. I wouldn’t even give a rating because I looked and saw that they are “Artists” and if someone is truly giving it their all and it’s not coming up too good I find it very hard to be negative about it, I just know from now on I am going to stick with ebay instead of etsy. I have gotten way to many good deals on ebay. People say for selling, ebay and their fees are worse and worse. But from a buyers point- there’s no greater place. Paypal completely has your back and whenever I have had to use it suddenly whatever problem I may have had quickly disappeared.

Amazon is still my personal favorite but that’s book wise- they’re getting woefully expensive every other item wise. Though every once in a while I will see an out of print book that amazon is trying to get away with selling for some crazy amount through a “third party” seller and then I’ll go on ebay and find the very same book  for 3.87 – no joke,

so in closing, not so impressed with Etsy as of yet- loved Final Girls, I like Ruth Ware and am anxious to read “The Lying Game”,  and I just got back from Wildwood NJ which until the end of time is my favorite place on planet earth, Next youtube will be another clown video it was fun to film it got a lot of high ratings I just have to get my producer over here aka my cutie pie daughter whose having fun this summer – we did this wild ride where this string lifts you oooh so high then you pull the string and wweeeeeeehhh we swung back and forth I’ll try to upload the video onto this site its awesome.


DEBBIE Queen of the jungle according to the B52s- (at least I think it was the jungle?)


Factory Girl; I shot Andy Warhol and Sid and Nancy

Ok so yesterday I was talking about an actress who was stabbed to death, Krista Helm and going through hot girls who died too young I find mention of Edie Sedgwick who I thought was this glamorous model until the day she died I never realized she had all kinds of issues…I guess everyone does but my image of her with what I read about yesterday was vastly different than what I originally thought of her. Anyway, I found the movie with Sienna Miller who is just cute as a button plays Edie in a movie called “Factory Girl” now usually, I am right on par with biographies, such as “I shot Andy Warhol” about that chick Valerie Solanas who shot Andy Warhol in the late 60s. He was a magnet for freaks and when you have freaks hanging around, yes they are endless sources of looking at life in a way you wouldn’t normally think of, but you gotta watch because most freaks have problems and I guess whatever she had inside her because in the movie “I shot Andy Warhol” she seemed to idolize Andy so, you know, whatever complex emotional situation caused this outcome was greatly explored in that movie, critically acclaimed and a great vehicle for Lili Taylor (who I just love, her acting is top notch)

Sid and Nancy, another excellent movie starring the vastly underrated Chloe Webb and the great Gary Oldman, about Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen which leads me into her mother’s biography “And I don’t want to live this life.” ( I think I read that about 5 times when it came out circa 1984)  which is one of my all time favorites- anyway back to the movie – it was excellent – and critically acclaimed, etc.

Now this leads me to the Factory Girl, ok Rotten Tomatoes gives Sid and Nancy 89%, I shot Andy Warhol gets a 77% – and then you come to Factory Girl which was very good and it gets a 19% ?!? I can’t figure out why…I really enjoyed that movie. Now I’m thinking it is because Bob Dylan comes off a little bit like an airhead and Andy Warhol just an absolute jerk. I don’t know these people in real life – they seem fine to me- but for Lou Reed to read the script and say “I read that script. It’s one of the most disgusting, foul things I’ve seen – by an illiterate retard – in a long time. There’s no limit to how low some people will go to write something to make money….they’re all a bunch of whores.” WOW (this was taken directly from the Wikipedia website)

So I am not sure what happened, I’ve read reviews in which the person goes off about the way they (particularly Dillon and Warhol are represented) but I am not sure why…I think the person I read from said they are represented like assholes but who isn’t an asshole at some point in their life? I can’t imagine having that much money and NOT being an asshole at some point.

And yes, the movie is a bit jumbled- it flashes from here to there without any fantastic direction and yet there is something so vulnerable about Sienna Miller’s depiction of Edie that just takes my breath away – and the biggest naysay about the drug addiction part being “cliché” well that’s what all drug addictions become, cliché, because every single drug addict on the planet becomes exactly that when they are in the throes of whatever addiction – a cliché! My God that’s the worst critique of all. I could see if you were a friend of these people and just the exploitation in general gets to you (ala Lou Reed) I can understand that because if those were my friends I think I’d be pretty pissed off. But the movie itself 19%?!? I have to disagree 19.5 – no just kidding, to me, yes it wasn’t as good as Sid and Nancy (which is one of the all time great “druggie rock and roll bios”) there is no set agenda, it IS all over the place, jumping from scene to scene, with to me, Dylan coming off the oddest, like cardboard. And yet the story it depicts is so gut wrenching to me when she falls and is in the throes and Richie Berlin, (who is in the few final moments for real as herself saying that Edie was very hard to control) comes in and tries in vain to help her. To me, that part in particular is poignant and I feel for her. I really do. I have never had the level of fame that these characters have had. Nor the money by any means but oh Lord have I had the addiction and it sucks and somehow when I watch it, it helps me when I am at one of those points of wanting to get high so bad, of staying away and remembering why I don’t want to be like that anymore.

Then you really do become a cardboard character of yourself……….

Here’s to you Edie…., rabbits, and an actress named Christa Helm that I just learned of today…

I didn’t realize on the IOS that it flipped the pictures so I will modify what was originally written.

Okay for now, ignore shoes – they come further down in the post- for now let’s start with a little game I used to LOOOVE – it was in a magazine and I will try to do more of these, if I can remember, my brain being a leaky faucet of information anymore, but anyway I love the

Which Is More? (between the radio bags above)

Don’t cheat either just look at the bags without squinting lol because the answer is THEEEEE …

Silver radio!!!

That’s a Dolce & Gabbana Radio Bag – saw this one on 1stdibs. – 8, 759 and 69.00 shipping – the one on the right is a 60.00 Aldo’s Tiezzo which I have to say besides the one actually working (Dolce of course) and the obvious quality difference in person, they kind of look the same (color excluded) let’s give it up for Aldo (the black radio bag! I have been shopping with Aldo for many years (apparently they opened in Canada 1972) which is surprising – I found out about them, I would say about 2007? Could be later I am not sure. I just know they were this little company in Willow Grove with a little store and then Beyoncé wore a pair of their shoes to one of her concerts and it exploded.

The one in Manhattan is cool, I like the one in Willow Grove PA but I have to say, all of the Aldo’s I have been too are pretty cool, with really nice bags and shoes (their shoes are much better quality than their bags but I actually prefer their bags) and the reason is because Aldo does things like you see above- gives a chance for us po’ people to own things that look remarkably like their more expensive counterparts. Now I see online it got a few knocks for the hardware coming apart and I have to say, Aldo is pretty cool by coming right out and telling the person to go to the store and they will fix it, which is usually only done with the higher end store (Coach and especially Chanel will bend over backwards to help someone fix a broken purse, shoe, button, etc) you rarely see that in a store that’s pushing a 60.00 bag. I just bought a pair of shoes, the ones above (go back to pictures above) and I always find myself buying something from them – they had some cool puffie things (sorry, don’t know what they are called) but the ones that girl’s hang off their purse that seem to be all the rage right now- they started at Aldo – now you can find them everywhere…except Aldo… anywho – Just giving them a shout out because I have been shopping with them for years – are their purses as long lasting as say the Denim Gucci I paid 700? for about 3 years ago and I STILL have that in heavy heavy rotation and it STILL is in as good as condition as the day I bought it – NO the quality is simply not there (except for some of their shoes I must say, are quite remarkable) but the purses are meant to be worn for show a few times and be thankful that we have a place out there again where I can spend 300.00 and come home with a bagful of cool shit!


Rabbits – OK – I started out with 5 rabbits 8 years ago…. down to 2…. one had a heart defect. She died early on. Something outside went BANG and I literally watched her fall over I thought she just fell but no she fell and passed away – it was a very unnerving thing to witness it’s the God’s honest truth and I still miss that cute little thing (she was 5 when she passed – her name was Bella and she was a dwarf bunnie)

Then we got 2 brothers from a pet store – my kids were young at the time and they called them Turtle and Rabbi (my daughter just kept saying rabbi so the name stuck) well again, they made it almost 8 years and then mysteriously about 4 or 5 months apart they both got sick the same way – started with lethargy then the one he went a little quicker he just got really sick and was gone in like 2 days but outwardly I saw no signs (they always talk of this fly-strike being really bad with rabbits but there’s like ugh I hate the words but maggots by their bottom and I saw no signs of this and I was mad checking) that was rabbi – then turtle about 3 weeks ago he started acting a little funny, he had been depressed when Bella died so I thought maybe he was having a little bout of moodiness or something but then no this week lo and behold he wouldn’t eat I laid with him the whole night-  feeding him water off my finger, knowing what was happening but rabbits aren’t dogs and cats and no one around here will even touch them not even the SPCA! believe me I called…a farmer my mom knew told me that rabbits were funny creatures and to just be there for him, he was almost 8 and the farmer said, for a lop that’s ok – usually 7-12 but, again, rabbi died the same way, very very strange- so now we have Ribbons who is 11 and Sassy who is HUGE and she’s about 5 – they’re both females and Sassy seems a little down because her and turtle were best buds- ribbons has ALWAYS been a very standoffish little bitch (and I say that lovingly as I adore her to pieces) and I think that’s why she’s 11 and showing no signs of slowing down…I have no idea what kind of rabbit she is- she’s a curious one – very different than the others.

Onto another one of my favorites- Hollywood hot chicks who were brutally shot down in their time (and I don’t mean “shot down” though in some instances that is exactly what happened) in the vain of well Marilyn Monroe if you wanna go there, Jayne Mansfield (come on, car accidents are brutal) and

then there are you’re- Dorothy Stratten’s who God Bless never even made it out of the gate and good Lord she was gorgeous just beautiful and she was only 20- TWENTY when she was killed by her pimped out ex husband Paul Snider who I get the impression no one really much cared for, but he was her Svengali and he killed her then raped her corpse….lovely.

Edie Sedgwick – 28 when she died of a combination of alcohol and Barbiturate intoxication though the corner ruled it “Undetermined/accident/suicide”) which is odd but ok – it was 1971 – there were tons of drugs around -and I have to say now that I am reading about Edie, I just spent the last 45 minutes obsessing over her – I have to read up more about her – fascinating – but I wanted to talk about

Christa Helm – this was the girl that I originally wanted to get into it with – It all started when I saw a poster on the internet about a movie called “Going for Broke” which was out for like 2 weeks, never saw the light of day after that and even now isn’t listed in IMDb’s normal listing; those big thick “every movie ever made is listed here” well, “Going for Broke” isn’t one of them and no one really has an answer for what happened to it. I read a fascinating article in by a Steve Thompson and John O’Dowd which really gets into it saying that – she was (and I am paraphrasing from what I’ve read) – being with a lot of men- rating them and making what would become a big tell all book – which today is a dime a dozen but back in the 70s that was just when light was starting to be shone on what really went behind the scenes in Hollywood and the Icons- (aka – in the 80s Rock Hudson came out as gay and it was a BIG deal) it seems so odd now that a book might be the reason what would happen happened but hey, stranger things…

so this book was to be made, she wasn’t getting any roles or making it in Hollywood as she thought she might (and she did have the looks for it – google her name and many pictures will come up – pretty blond) – she was on Wonder Woman and Starsky and Hutch but no real meaty roles or anything that tipped the scales of stardom.

So she sends her friend a cryptic postcard right before she died saying “I am in way over my head here. I’m onto something I can’t get out of.”

And how pray tell did she die? On the night of Feb 12, 1977 she was on her way to a party when she was attacked from behind – later DNA results would point to her attacker being a female and she was stabbed over 30 times. Of course, and unfortunately her neck and face seemed to be the biggest targets which is telling in its own right. she was also bludgeoned with blunt object, either the handle to a knife or a possible hammer. Her bleeding body was found by a passerby on the street.

Press coverage at the time of her death was minimal leaving people to speculate that this had been a kill-for-hire and was done because of what and who she knew….which leaves me wanting to read more and more about her. I usually will watch a movie about these women (Star 80 for Stratten, millions of movies for Marilyn, Sedgwick had a few documentaries made about her as did Mansfield) but I can’t really find one about Christa Helm. I will look though because I just found out about her today 7/1/2017- and my eyes are tired and I am almost at the tail end of “The Fact of a Body” by Alexandria Marzano-Lesnevich and wow – hopefully on her next book she’ll shorten that name! Good read, however

and as always


post – script – most of the times I go over and over my posts to make them not so disjointed I apologize for tonight’s I will go over it tomorrow as I am creating a new “THERE’S A LOT OF PROBLEMS IN THAT CITY” and I am a tad overwhelmed with many things that have happened these past few weeks (my friend passing, the rabbits passing, etc) so I am a bit worn and I will correct anything I can find…tomorrow…lol

drug addiction and and a nice kid I knew named John REAL STORY 6/25/2017

May 25th I was really sick and wanted to just go to sleep and because of the way things are you can’t just go to the doctors anymore and ask for like a relaxant like Xanax or whatever because then you look like a drug seeker – so I was going to ask this guy I knew if he had anything. I knew he sold whatever is popular with the kids these days and he, being in his 20s was a lot younger than me.

So anyway – I called up this kid I knew for a long time and he told me to “come on down” and I met him in Philly somewhere except I noticed when I pulled up that he looked really fucked up which was unusual because he might have done, you know, this or that, dabbled, what have you, but he wasn’t no junkie.

Well I was sitting in my car and he was standing outside all of a sudden he starts bringing out all these bags and pills and money and man if I was a bitch, or not who I am, I would have just robbed him blind. I could have so easily because he put 100.00 in my console and like 200 pills and a variety of bags of things and then walked away! Or tried to walk away. And I said “Jay?!? What the hell are you doing? Where are you going?”

A lady who knew him also walked up to the car and she wanted something and he gave her what she wanted but everything was done in extreme slow motion and she was saying, “My husband is gonna kill me, we gotta hurry this up.” and she was getting pissed I could tell so he gave her what she needed, but then taking in his startling appearance she asked me if I was going to take him to his mom’s house who lived a few blocks away, but by then I was starting to get nervous.

There was all this shit and money everywhere and at this point he was totally dipping like hardcore into the street.

I said, “John, do you want me to drive you home?” He looked at me in a haze and then a book, a Dr. Seuss book, about socks, was in the back of my car and he asked if I could drop it into his mailbox for his son. I said, “sure” and then he told me to knock on the door and talk to his mom which I wasn’t so sure she’d be all that thrilled to see me since I probably represented to her the seedy side of his life (because of our past history – which I won’t go into right now – nothing sexual, I just don’t feel like typing it all out right yet)

So anyway, I cleaned up the bags and the pills and put the 100.00 in his front pants pocket and he was dipping so bad at this point if a cop drove by we’d be toast.

So eventually I got out of there and I did go to his house and dropped the Dr. Seuss book in his mom’s mailbox.

A few days later I tried to call to see if he was ok but there was no answer. A few weeks went by and I ALWAYS heard from him by that point and I thought – Was he mad at me? Did he snap out of his stupor and think I took that 100 or some other money he may have lost. I could have taken thousands of dollars worth of drugs off of him that day but I would never do that- back in my cocaine days dealers used to leave me alone in their house with coke and money because they knew I would never touch it.

That’s not who I am.

Well, finally last night I straight up plugged his name into my phone and it came up in the obit section. He died. Kid was no more than 25 and that’s pushing it, probably even younger.

I am completely devastated and wonder what I could have done more…taken him to his moms and shown her what kind of shape he was in?

But anyone who knows that when you do that what happens is that person usually gets mad at the person trying to help.

I’ve had cops tell me that when they’re giving an Od’ing person Narcane they start freaking out asking why they did that – why they “ruined” their high and that they were “cool”

RIP John, my heart is broken for you, your mother and your son who probably won’t even remember you (he’s only about 2) I bought him shirts and toys when he was first born.

I am truly in a deep state of shock and saddened about that day….about what happened…and about how brutal drugs really are.

He must have been in some kind of emotional pain to get THAT high, and…and now he’s gone……





“Francine, I know what I saw. I was standing in front of the 7-Eleven, waiting for Theo to come through with some half decent bags because Pedro cuts his too much-”
“For Christ’s sake, Steve, I don’t care about the bags, what did you see?” I was on the verge of hysteria because I didn’t want to believe what he was about to tell me could be seeped in any sense of truth. Mark and I had been together since high school. We got married when we turned 21 and we were going to start a family. Steve had to be mistaken.

“It was raining but I know what I saw. Mark didn’t see me and I don’t know what he’d do this in front of the 7-Eleven when he knows everyone hangs down there, but he was there, with a girl, with blonde hair, that wasn’t you because I thought it was you at first because they were kissing. But when she turned her head, I was waving and I could see she didn’t recognize me and the more I looked the more I realized it wasn’t you then when Steve saw me he got out of that

parking lot like his car was on fire.” He was rushing through the story where I wanted every simmering detail because he was scared. That’s how I knew this wasn’t a joke or Steve just being dopey Steve. He must have really saw Mark with another girl and the pain cut through me so bad I couldn’t breathe. I wanted Mark. I had to talk to Mark.

I couldn’t even hear the rest of what Steve was saying. And I didn’t want to cry in front of him. I just wanted to be alone and I just wanted to talk to Mark. NOW.

And who the fuck was this blonde bitch anyway?

“You wanna smoke a joint?” Steve asked, his blue eyes almost glistening with tears of his own. “I didn’t want to tell you this…I didn’t, Francine, but I didn’t think it was fair not to tell you.”

If what he was really saying were true then Steve was truly a good friend. But how was I gonna find out. It wasn’t like Mark would tell me though I would know if he was lying.

My skin boiled. I was going to sit and wait. I would know right away. I played it off like I wasn’t about to jump off the roof, which is what I felt like doing right at the moment and I thanked Steve, telling him I just wanted to sit and think for a while and I really did appreciate him telling me what he saw.

“Are you sure?” he truly looked upset, “Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut.”

I shook my head, “No, no, that just means you’re a really good friend for telling me this.”

“You want me to sit with you a minute?”

I shook my head, hard, no I wanted to be by myself and I wanted to talk to Mark.


Almost like he knew Steve had told me, but how could he, Mark wouldn’t answer his phone. I called it again and again and again. It kept ringing but no one was answering.

I decided to walk down the stores myself, not drive, but walk, through the woods, even more sneaky like. Anyone could see my car. It was a distinctive blue color. It might have been your standard Toyota but it was painted by whoever owned it before so there was no other blue quite like it. I was gonna kill this mother fucker.

Why would Steve lie? He just wouldn’t. He looked so bad even telling me what he wanted to tell me that it was making me sick. Making me sick to think of Mark being with another woman. We’d been together so long. We had a good relationship. None of it made any sense.

I walked through the schoolyard and down the stone covered embankment and into the woods where we used to hang out as children. That’s when I had first met Mark. We had both been in high school and him and his friends had driven a car inside the woods and blew it up. We thought that was so daring and cool. It had been an abandon car and back then it wasn’t like now. Everything wasn’t tracked. There weren’t cameras everywhere so you could do things and have fun without fear that the next day everything would be plastered all over Facebook or YouTube. As I made my way into the woods, the sunlight glistening off the trees, it lit up like God’s country and everything looked so beautiful. I loved nature. I loved being out in the woods…with…Mark…and now…now would I ever love anything again? Was it even true? Maybe Steve was high and it wasn’t Mark though I knew in my heart that something was wrong.

But why would Mark do it in front of the 7-Eleven knowing people that both knew us would be down there. That was the classic neighborhood hook up place for any kind of drug you wanted. Since we were kids that’s where we got our pot from, our coke, our ludes. (Man, did I miss those 714’s.) I used to take my birth control at 7:14 every night because that was the only time I could ever seem to remember to take it.

I stopped and breathed in the air. The air that smelled like wet leaves and dirt that was old because no one except old heads or real little kids ever came in here anymore. It wasn’t like when we were kids. They had gotten rid of the path so it wasn’t as easy to walk through the woods anymore, you kind of had to walk around it. Strange things would brush up against your legs and one time Mark and I were fucking like mad dogs in what we thought was just a brush and here it was a bunch of Poison Ivy which I turned out to be allergic to and he nursed my wounds back to health.

I frowned. I felt my lip quivering and my eyes tearing and I knew I was about to breakdown because no matter what. I knew something was wrong.

6/24 – 2B (PLEASE NOTE 2B was prewritten and then lost- so this might be a little shaky or “underwritten” at one point I am going to start writing these elsewhere and then pasting them to this site- for now I am literally writing them off the cuff or LIVE and I am sure it shows in some parts but once I get it off the ground it won’t always stay so.)- DEBBIE

I hustled out of the woods, not really knowing what I was going to do. What would I do when I found Mark? Confront him when I don’t even really think I wanted to know the truth? Steve wouldn’t lie to me and unless he had beer goggles on or something and really didn’t see what he thought he saw I was gonna be one sad girl. I came out of the woods and turned to see the orange and green glow of the 7-Eleven, practically blinding my eye sight, then I saw the kids, staring at me, at mom, the enemy, she who was either searching for her kid to yell at or was a town watchdog type person. When I was younger it was pot and cocaine on the weekends but now kids today were all about heroin and whatever they could find, bath salts and things I never heard of nor knew nothing about.

Or the Angel Dust of the past had mutated into something called ‘wet’ where people ripped off their clothes and drank water out of toilets they would get so thirsty, or so I heard. It scared me how hardcore things were now. I wouldn’t even try ecstasy yet someone told me that we had done enough shrooming and hits of acid that ecstasy wouldn’t matter. And right now the last thing on my mind was drugs anyway.

I wanted to scream out, I am neither I am just looking for my cheating husband.

I had only been with Mark he was my one and only lover. I had kissed a few guys before him but he was it. And I was like maybe his third, we had been with each other that long. I even brought another girl into the relationship before, for his 21st birthday so he wouldn’t stray  and while he had a great time while it was happening he told me afterward he really hadn’t liked it. Like he thought me being with her was really cool but he hadn’t liked being with her directly and I hadn’t much liked that part either. But I made him promise that he would do that rather than anything behind my back. At least I would know about it and it always seemed to work. He seemed satisfied, our sex life was as good as it had always been.

I couldn’t understand… so I searched around for a friendly face and I saw Meringue and ran over to him, pretending like I was running up to him to buy something. He was a nice kid and came right over to me and I couldn’t stop it; the minute he wrapped his arms around me I burst into tears. I just could not hold it back. He held me tightly and didn’t ask nothing until I pulled back and said lightly, “Have you seen Mark around?”

He shook his head and his hazel eyes seemed to go right through to my own when I heard a car revving into the parking lot behind me. It was Mark and he was with another person in an unfamiliar car. I was about to break loose but Meringue stopped me. “Don’t” he whispered under his breath, so I did, I stopped…and I waited….

Part 3

I wiggled out of Meringue’s arms, despite his vehement protests and I ran to the car. Mark was sitting in the passenger’s seat with Greg in the driver’s and they both gave me a look of strange curiosity when I came running breathlessly up. I banged on the window. It was just starting to rain.

“What are you doing outside? Where’s the car?” Mark looked truly upset. And oddly enough the minute he asked me this I thought, he was asking me this like I was a child, and in these brief 5 seconds when I was climbing inside the car I thought maybe this was what he wanted, to be a father. I thought of this a lot, we had talked about it a lot and I was never sure if I wanted to have children but the older I got the more I realized it was something I wanted but I had said I didn’t want it for so long…this was going to be something I was going to have to bring up.

And I sat against the cool leather backing and thought, but if any of this was true none of this would matter because I wouldn’t want to be with him anymore. I could never get over it.

Mark and Greg both turned around and stared at me. “What are you doing out in the rain, down here?” Greg was the one who asked me this.

Mark’s face was turning red.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

I shook my head I was afraid if I opened my mouth I would start crying. I couldn’t even look at him.

The sympathy in his eyes was killing me. I wanted to blurt it out so bad but not in front of Greg. I was embarrassed like it was my fault that he had cheated on me, like maybe I wasn’t doing something that needed to be done.

“Where’s the car?” Mark was looking around and realized that the car and the jeep we had was not around. “You didn’t walk down here did you?”

I nodded. “It was nice out when I left.”

I so bad did not want what Steve told me to be true that I didn’t even want to know the truth. I didn’t want to say anything and they were both looking at me like I was insane. And yet I was afraid to open my mouth and I could tell my silence was being mistaken for my own deceit; that I wanted to come down here to secretly by drugs or something because no one really came down here for any other reason.

“I didn’t know it was supposed to rain,” I managed to get out.

“Did you need something from the store?” Mark asked, glancing down at his phone. Why didn’t you just call me? I would have gotten whatever you needed, babe.”
I just kept nodding like a mute because the tears were coming up from my stomach into my throat and once they broke I would never be able to stop.



I just sat back and told him I wanted to go home. Mark looked over at Greg and they silently said whatever guys say to each other ‘this bitch is crazy’ etc…and he started up the street, making a left toward the winding road that led up to our house. I glanced back and said a silent goodbye to Meringue who nodded his head at me.

It only takes a few minutes to get up the street so we were in front of the house when a huge storm broke. Really bad. And, of course. the first thing Mark says is, “You would have been stuck in this, Francine, what were you thinking?”

Greg, firing up a joint asked if we wanted any, to which we both shook our heads and got out of the car. I practically ran out and into the house, wanting to confront Mark immediately so he couldn’t make up some ridiculous story.

Our home had been made up just the way I wanted it, in beige and soft blues. I stared at the pictures of us and our friends, and family all across our walls.

I went into the kitchen and grabbed a pepsi, watching the and listening to the fizz as it popped open, waiting for Mark to walk into the kitchen.





Talking to my friend, Tammy, was helping me figure out what had happened the night before. I was in Center City on a rooftop, drinking a Corona with a lime in it when I started to feel a little woozy. Next thing I remember I woke up, Bear, a good buddy of mine for a long enough time for me to not understand why what happened did, was gone, and I was left alone on the mattress we had pulled out to listen to an old Eagles album. I loved that song, “One of These Nights” and I played it over and over again. I awoke to a bleeding anus and a very fuzzy recollection of how that would be happening except for the obvious.

“You think he raped you?” Tammy asked me, I could almost here her smacking her lips together trying to get just the right blend of Perfect Pink and Moxie Roxie to blend.

“Well, butt raped me.”

Rape’s rape.” she said.

“I understand that, Tam, I just don’t understand why he would do that when I probably would have given him butt sex anyway. We had done a little speed so I was kind of flying and then he gave me that Corona and I felt so dizzy, there had to be something in that drink.”

“Was anyone else there with you guys?”

I shook my head though she couldn’t see me, really hurt that this might actually be a true scenario. Me and Bear had been friends forever. I met him stripping and he used to drive me home every night. We had sex together here and there. It wouldn’t even make sense for him to do something funny when we….were the way we were…

“Was there anyone else there?” she repeated.

“No,” I said softly, but I don’t know where he was an he wasn’t answering his cell or the pager he carried for work. I kept sticking my fingers back into my butt and the blood was really coming out. Not pouring out, but this wasn’t some popped hemorrhoid or something. This was for real. I stared down at my shoes, Kat Maconie brand which I loved her heels, though she might be doing a little too much of a good thing with the one style, but still the original platform vibe was pretty cool.

What the hell happened last night?


So I walked over to Tammy’s house so she could get a good look at my ass. Maybe I had a hemorrhoid or something. I was hoping because the alternative would be just too much for me to handle. Bear? Rape? Why?

I knocked on her door, maybe a bit too hard because he swung it open and was as wide eyed as if I was the police standing in front of her with a warrant.

I brushed past her. “Tam, it’s bad, man, real bad.”
She looked out the door, both ways like we were in some kind of movie.

“What the hell are you looking for?” I asked her.

“I don’t know,” she said, turning around, “but I thought maybe Bear or something might have followed you.”
“I don’t even know where the hell Bear is. I left his door unlocked because he’s such an airhead he probably didn’t even bring his key.” And then I thought of something, ” and where is he anyway. I texted him, he didn’t answer and he doesn’t ever answer his phone. NEVA.”

“Ok” she said clapping her hands together, “Let’s get a look at your ass.”

I started laughing, “Okaaay. Should I just whip it out or-“

“Come on, Jade, you called me freaking the fuck out and Bear ain’t exactly, you know, running on all cylinders as it is. I always thought he wasn’t wrapped too tight. Every time I see him he asks me how’s my pussy doing.”

I started really laughing then, then I started crying, thinking about how much I loved Bear but if he did this to me I was gonna be so fucked up about it.

“All right,  all right let’s go in the kitchen or somewhere. The bathroom? I don’t know,” I turned around so she could see the back of me, “Can you see blood.”

And when I saw her eyes widen it was like when you have your period real bad and you ask someone if they can see anything and you turn around and they look and the look they give you, you know there’s a big ass red blotch back there.

“Are you fucking serious?” I moaned. “Omg.” I pulled down my pants and just bent over, not caring anymore. My asshole burned so bad anyway what was anymore humiliation added onto it.

Tammy came up behind me and bent down, opening my ass cheeks apart gently.
“Have you done this before, you have a knack for it.” I joked.

“Jade, Jade this isn’t funny. Get me a wet towel,” she ordered.

“How the hell am I going to do that?” My pants were halfway down not off. I climbed out of them threw them to the side and reached over to get some towels and I ran them under the sink, cold water.

She took them from me and dabbed gently. It burned a little and I winced.

“What’s it look like?”

“Jade, it’s like there’s tiny dots with blood coming out. And there’s bruising on the sides. Whoever did it, did it hard. He…or someone, whoever, definitely butt fucked you.”

“Well Sherlock, I had that figured out. I’m talking like, what do you think happened. Why would he do this to me when I probably would have given it to him anyway?”

She looked up at me and with the utmost serious of looks said, “Jade you can’t ask me, you gotta find Bear and ask him.”

6/24 – this is 2B

“You mother fucker,” I hissed into the phone, “I know what you did, you whacko…why the fuck did you do it.”

Bear finally answered me. I had texted and called him all day long. Tammy was right behind me egging me on. Sticking her fingers down my pants every so often to remind me how bad I was hurting.

“What the hell are you talking about?” came his thick, surprised reply. Jade, we did the same thing we always did when we were together. We had fun.”

“Listen, Bear, I known you forever. I am with you for Christ’s sake when you do stuff to other girls…or guys when it’s your way of the day, but this time you did it to me. You put something in my drink because one minute The Eagles were in the City and the next minute you were in my shitty.”

He laughed and that sweet laugh of his made me think of the way his lips turned up and his eyes would smile along with his mouth. He was such a sweetheart how could he do this to me? I really couldn’t remember last night, everything was so fuzzy and I wanted to know what was going on.

“We had fun, like we always do, Jade. What do you want me to tell you?” he was saying this in a way I Didn’t like, like in a dark way that I heard him talk to his bitches to and I wasn’t one of his bitches.

“Let’s get some crabs tonight and Coronas and do it again.” he suggested.

“Do what again?” I goaded.

He paused.


I started down at the cell phone in my hand then looked over at Tammy who was putting on her super pink lipstick and mixing it with cinnamon to give it a more natural hue, she was mushing her lips together and staring at me quizzingly.

‘He did it.’ I mouthed. And I know he did. And that’s ok cause two could play at that game. Two could play….


I was going to drop something in his drink and put a Corona bottle up his ass.

I left Tammy’s, her begging me to stay and not fight fire with fire because it only led to a whole bunch of smoke and collateral damage but I didn’t care. I was furious. Who did he think I was, one of his stripper bitches?

I mean, when I first met him I had been stripping and I had nothing against stripping but that wasn’t the point right now.

I walked down Frankford Avenue, starting at all the trash. There used to be only trash in Kensington and North Philly and shit like that, now it was everywhere. This city was getting dirtier and dirtier.

I passed a dunkin donuts and had such a sudden craving for a chocolate covered donut I was disturbing myself. I was practically marching when I walked up to the entrance to Mickey’s Bar and Grill which was downstairs below Bear’s apartment. He called it the bar in his basement. We got everything down here when we needed it. It was actually pretty convenient.

I went into Mickey’s and grabbed a key to get into his apartment. I used to keep a key on my chain but then Bear lost his and I gave mine to the owner of Mickey’s so that we could both grab it.

The owner of Mickey’s had a sad story, a long time ago, him, his brother and his sister owned this bar together. They were in the bar one morning and 3 black guys walked in demanding money. They only had a few dollars in the till so they went to get what they had and I guess it wasn’t enough? But they would have went to a bank and got them as much as they wanted, well one guy raised the gun to shoot and Mickey’s sister had been in front. Tommy and Mickey both jumped in front of the bullet’s path to avoid something happening to their sister and she was saved. But Mickey died instantly from a second bullet and Tommy was rendered paraplegic. And the nurse who was hired to take care of him, they fell in love and now due to a raging form of diabetes, she was going blind with each passing day. She was a nice girl, Peg, but the frustration the two of them were feeling. He was now taking care of her.

It was just sad but they did take care of the bar together, the sister and Peg and Tommy and kept it named Mickey’s in their brother’s honor.

I thought of all of this as I walked into the bar to get the key to get inside to Bear’s apartment. Mickey tried to make some small talk but I was too upset to think about anything right now except Corona bottles and assholes.

happy me because slowly but surely I am going to fix this thing! Welcome to my world!

YAYYA  I was on the phone  with ipage and I will slowly overcome!! At least I can post pics now hooray!!

Welcome to my world – picture 1

next pic is the new Chanel bag I am getting from ebay

and third pic are new Dior slides I bought from ebay – ebay is a great place sometimes – I am selling  a lot of my used books on there lately. Anyway- that’s my producer/daughter in the third pic and she’s a peach – she’s gonna be a lawyer when she grows up!

LUCYS STORY OK right now I am having some troubles if you’ve already started go down to 3 eventually I will stream it



Jade and


for now it’s kind of crazy – here is the full story below of Lucy – if you’ve already read start at 3- if not thurs 6/29 I will have someone look at this because there’s a lot more that I could do with this site if I knew how I can’t even insert media right now which is really ticking me off.

This isn’t a do it yourself easy website- I really need help – I don’t have time (as freaking usual) I am so beside myself I have some pictures I want to upload and it was so easy before now I can’t do it – and I know staring at words words words it’s hard – you want to look at a few colors and images – I had so much stuff here for you guys – bear with me – this coming Thursday (6/29) I will get my producer to fix it – I could call- the people who run this dashboard are very nice – for now I can only add words until I find out what’s going on

For now bookhopworm is taking a break from her book worming/shopping frenzy (though whenever theres an outbreak be sure to follow her on twitter bookshopworm1 people! Shell be by the Dior sandals this summer) and thought she’d just hang in the city for a while…Bookshopworm or Lucy as her real name is, was broke….it’s true folks, happens to the best of us…one minute you’re riding high on the 100k a year glory of literally sitting on your ass collecting huge paychecks, and the next minute, you’re loading boxes onto a FedEx truck for a quarter of the pay and not only that, three times as much work.

It happened one day like this. Lucy walked into her office and two other bitches were standing there. Literally.


“I’m telling you Renee, the smell on the El is getting worse. I know they put in all those fancy new seats but it reeks of BO and, like, jiz or some shit.” I had to yell this into my phone as Renee’s hearing was getting worse and worse it seemed.

“That’s gross.” She laughed and I could picture her stomach giggling up and down to her great guffaws of cheer. If there was one thing I could count on it was Renee to laugh at anything I said, which always did kind of cheer me up. “But I know what you mean, girl.” And then much more quietly, “Oh, shit, there’s Larry, gotta go, Chickie.”

I smiled to myself and then frowned when I saw what was going on before me. Two women, who I never saw before were in MY office, looking through my drawers. I had been there eight years and no one ever looked into anything I did. My boss was the shit. He smoked crack but honestly, he never really let it interfere with work, if he had a bad comedown he’d just call in a migraine and I’d take over. We’d been working well together since the day we met.

I looked toward his office and didn’t see him. This should have been the first clue that something was VERY wrong. But still, I maintained my composure. I didn’t know then what I know now. Had I? I would have beat the shit out of both of them, and just stormed out.

“Hello-?” I said, sweetly.

Their “hellos” were not as sweet. The tubby one with red hair and freckles said, “Hey”, in a truck driving dykie way that almost made me laugh and the other one looked up and pursed her lips. She was wearing the ugliest shade of orange, too. I liked her the least, already.

“What’s going on? Where’s Mike?” I asked, growing annoyed.

With the utmost contempt, purse lips looked up and me and through teeth that I now saw were really fangs and said, “He’s no longer with us.” and then went back to going through my boxes. I should have initially asked why they were going through MY stuff then and not HIS but I was too fouled up about what I was seeing.

I ran down the hall to the two most beautiful women I knew, Sarah and Kit, and asked what the hell was going on. When they saw me Sarah immediately got up and gave me a big hug. She pulled herself apart to look at me through her glasses and said, “Isn’t it a shame about Mike?” And though she went into a deep, meaningful explanation as to why his job was “eliminated”, though purse puss seem to haveany problems un-eliminating the job, I to this day have no recollections of the words spoken. Sarah handed me a bible and told me to pray and Kit said with the sweetest sing song of voices to “fuck those bitches”.

Except they would fuck me.



I stormed back into the room where Tubs and Purse Lips were; who the hell did they think they were anyway? I was in this hospital for 8 years. This office was Mikes! What the hell happened? (I’d find out later, that the corporate world is an ugly, ugly place).

“Welcome,” tubs came up to me and put her hand out. I tried to keep from laughing. She had that kind of face where you just can’t quite look her in the eye so you gotta look in between and pretend otherwise you’re afraid you’ll bust out laughing. She turned around to purse lips and I looked at her ass. I couldn’t help it. I always had a nice ass so I don’t know, I was kind of guilty of feeling a little sorry for those who were less fortunate, and yet, man, she was way less fortunate because her ass was so big the pockets to her jeans looked real small


I stormed back into the room where Tubs and Purse Lips were; who the hell did they think they were anyway. I was in this hospital for 8 years. This office was Mikes! What the hell happened? (I’d find out later, that the corporate world is an ugly, ugly place).

“Welcome,” tubs came up to me and put her hand out. I tried to keep from laughing. She had that kind of face where you just can’t quite look her in the eye so you gotta look in between and pretend that you’re taking her seriously otherwise you’re afraid you’ll bust out laughing. She turned around to purse lips and I looked at her ass. I couldn’t help it. I always had a nice ass so I don’t know, I was kind of guilty of feeling a little sorry for those who were less fortunate, and yet, man, she was way less fortunate because her ass was so big the pockets to her jeans looked microscopic.

I usually wasn’t this mean, nor judgmental but I knew these women were both gonna be bitches so I had to put them down in my head first so I could think a little straighter. I just kept thinking of poor Mike. He was probably wandering down around North Philly or Kensington now looking for crack with that tattered old briefcase in his hands, brass knuckles tucked away ’cause he was a little guy but he packed a punch.

What the fuck, man?

Purse lips came up and introduced herself as Gretchen and I wasn’t surprised I knew it had to be that or Myrtle or something. Gretch reminded me of wretch and that’s what I wanted to do at that moment. Wretch. Right in her pursed lips.

Acting like nothing was going on.

The phone rang it’s shrill ring. We were getting a procedure call.

“Pathology, Lucy speaking.”

“Hey, Lucky Lucy,” a nurse named Chris bellowed into the phone, “we have someone down here in CT we need your help.”

Thank God. A patient. I looked at lumps and Gerty or Wretchy and told them I had to make a run.

“All scans must be listed on the board,” said her Highness through lips so tight they were aggravating me. And I still didn’t really know what happened to Mike. The guy ruled that roost for almost 25 years though he had told me in a moment of solidarity that he thought everyone who was on his side were kind of leaving or getting the boot.

He had been afraid of this. But I didn’t think it would happen without warning.

I took the cart, ignored purse lips and ran downstairs to let all the nurses know that there was a new sheriff in town.

None of them were surprised.

Dr. Nissan (yes, that was his name) said in his Russian twang, “What is going on up there?” even before he let me know where the tumor was in this patient’s lungs.

“Calm down, Lucy,” he soothed, “Let me tell you a joke. Mickey and Minnie Mouse go to divorce court and the judge asks why Mickey wants to split up the famous duo.”

I raised my eyebrow and without skipping a beat he added, “He said, ‘because she’s fucking goofy.’

I smiled, shook my head and asked how big the tumor was.

He adjusted his glasses, “What no laughter?”


“Ok, ok. 30 pound weight loss without trying. 3 cm on CT but it looks..”

“It looks..” He walked over to where the radiologist sat and moved the scanner around, “looks like it shrank a little since last time.”

I watched him as he went over and adjusted the stage needle and then put a longer one inside. When he brought it out I took it from him and expressed the bloody material onto a slide and “quik dipped” it to give it some color. The 30 pound weight loss alone was worrisome. That had to be one of the biggest indicators of cancer that I saw in my career. And just as I suspected, the minute I stared into the microscope I knew I was looking at a pretty bad adenocarcinoma, pretty in color but as ugly in spirit as I suspected in those two bitches were upstairs…..

6/24 – start here if you’ve already read part 2- this is part 2B

I was so mad I took my little cancer cart and wheeled it upstairs, not able to believe that they got rid of Mike that easy and brought in two more; what was gonna happen to me? How come every place I ever worked I made a lot of money but always had to deal with a lot of bullshit. Maybe once I could try making shit money and not dealing with shit. My husband made enough. He worked homicide and believe me, people in this city were always blowing each other’s brains out, if not their own.

I was thinking about a patient named Keefer because it reminded me of Keith Richards except this guy was black, and really sick. First time I met him he was a good looking muscular dude who was kind of eyeing me up, I was in my thirties but I still had it, ya’ know? And then the next time I saw Kedith James on the list and I went up with one of the other drs and I thought that can’t be Keefer the dude he looks half dead. So when we put the 22 gauge needle in one of his lumps I bent over and stared into his eyes and he looked at me.

He recognized me. And he had these green eyes. And you know how green eyes on black dudes always looks so smooth, man his eyes were hurting and it pained me. I said hi to him but he couldn’t say hi back; the tube that had been down his throat scratched it so bad he couldn’t talk right. That or he was just straight up that sick. Either way, for some reason this is what I Was thinking of when tubs and purse lips came back into view.

I was thinking that their was no way in hell these two would care and know the patients the way I did. I knew these patients I did things for them. And when Dr. Greene came in with his urine (cause he took a lot of pain medication for his back and always wanted to know if I saw eosinophils, I think it signified something with the kidneys) but anyway, I always did it on the sly so he wouldn’t be billed. Were they gonna take care of Dr. Greene’s urine the way I did?

Purse lips came over and said, ” I don’t see any documentation on the walls of where you were just now.”

I looked at the walls like she was speaking some crazy language, “What? I just told you I was going down to CT.”

“Well now it has to be documented.” She said, haughty like.

And that was the beginning of the end for me. Because I could do a lot, and I was smart as shit, but I couldn’t remember to write stuff down. Never. It wasn’t my style. I was writing down what happened now. But like I couldn’t write down every day I’m going here I’m going there. I couldn’t do structure at all.

And that’s how purse lips and tubs would get me.

Part 3 – 6/24 for people already reading

That night I went home and Pete walked in, his glock heavy on his side. “So what happened to you?” I asked him.

“I think Manley is going down or something. He’s drinking too much and he’s just acting funny.”

Stan Manley was Pete’s partner; they usually didn’t have homicide partners but lately it had been so slammin busy that they were partnering people except who they gave Pete was a man whose wife just died about two weeks prior and he was hurting, especially since before she died they had gotten into a knock down drag out fight.

It was painful to think about.

I put on a sexy outfit, one I knew would drive Pete crazy. He loved my ass and tits and this outfit had it all hanging out. My nipples were like two pencil points and he started to talk and when I turned around and shoved my breasts right in his face he lost all train of thought.

“I love those tits, baby.”

“Put your dick in me,” I whispered, “I think I’m getting the ax. Mike did this morning and I still don’t know why. But these two fat bitches were in there asking me to document stuff.”

“People aren’t bitches because they’re fat.” Even in the heat of passion, Pete was always pragmatic.

“There fat in spirit. I mean, they are heavy but that’s not what makes them fat, you know what I mean, fat like meat heads.”

“Alexa,” I spoke into our amazon related appliance, “play ‘can you hear me knocking’, by the stones.” I always laughed because when my son was young he thought it was ‘bring me empanadas.’ I started to laugh which made Pete stick his dick in me real hard.

I threw my head back and slammed into him as hard as I could. Put on ‘Pumped up Kicks’ and remembered when life was easy and I could just snort some heroin and get really high and forget everything. Except I met Pete and I fell in love and he put his gun down and said no more heroin and that was that.

I fucked him hard and thought about what I was gonna do and then the fucking took over and I stared down into Pete’s eyes and forgot everything else.